Aces of Food
by thexlastxfantasy
Summary: Tifa sees a new-competitive-side between Vincent and Reno when they teach her how to cook.
1. Grill Them Cheeses!

I made Vincent Italian, even though I pretty sure he's not, he looks Italian though...kinda.

Okay, I need your help, which title sounds better: **Aces of Food** or **Diners, Drive-Ins, and Bars** I can't decide :/

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><p><em>There was no way a mere mortal could teach her to cook.<em> Cloud thought to himself as he looked at a lump of brown mush Tifa called beef stew. Just because she worked at a bar, didn't mean she could cook. Marlene and Denzel made a face as they poked at their dinner. Right then Cloud decided enough was enough; he was going to have to find someone to help her cook better. But who did he know that could cook? He thought for a moment before it hit him. _Of course! Vincent isn't mortal and he's Italian so he must know how! _Cloud picked up a spoonful of the jiggly mess. _He's going to need backup._

**...**

"Hey Vincent!" Cloud shouted at him. Vincent was sitting on an edge of a cliff watching the sun go down. "Can ask for your help?"

"No."

"But it's important," Cloud pleaded. Vincent looked up at him with cold annoyed eyes. The poor man could never be left alone for more than three minutes without someone bothering him. Most of the time it was Yuffie or crazed fan girls that chased him around.

"I need you to teach Tifa how to cook."

Something changed in Vincent's eyes, Cloud thought it was almost like a burning passion.

"You want me to...cook?"

"Please," Cloud begged.

"I haven't cooked in awhile...since I closed myself up in my coffin." Vincent looked out into the distance to put emphasis on his words. "I used to love cooking..." He trailed off remembering the good old times. Cloud couldn't see his mouth, but he knew a smile was spreading.

"So you'll help me then?"

"Yes," Vincent stood up and walked back to the bar with Cloud.

**...**

"What is _he_ doing here?" Vincent said in disgust as he looked at Reno.

"Same reason you're here, he's going to help Tifa cook." Cloud walked upstairs to get her. "I'll be right back, please try not to kill each other okay?"

Vincent glared at Reno, "I'm in charge."

"Sure, when pigs fly, yo." Reno retorted.

"If I threw one, it would _fly_ towards your face. I bet you can't even cook."

"I've won five cooking contest this year!" Reno screamed as he pointed at Vincent. "How many have you won?"

"I can't enter them, my dishes are too good and I would automatically win. It wouldn't be fair to the other contestants." Vincent kept his serious look on his face. Reno grabbed a frying pan and almost threw it at him.

"What's going on?" Tifa demanded as Cloud led her down the stairs blindfolded. "Was that Vincent's voice I heard?"

"I got a surprise for you honey." Cloud said getting nervous. Tifa didn't take criticism well, even if it was constructive. He placed her in front of the two men and the bar which had a pile of cooking utensils. He took off her blindfold. She looked at the scene before her and blinked. When she turned around to ask Cloud what the meaning of this was, he was already out the door and driving off far far away.

"Cloud said your cooking sucked." Reno stated. Vincent sighed at his new coworkers bluntness.

"And you're going to help me?" Tifa scoffed at them.

"Yup," Reno grabbed Tifa's hand and drug her over to the bar.

"I guess we better get started," Vincent took off is cape and draped it over a chair. The two stared at him.

"What?"

"It's...it's just that I've never seen you without your cape. It's quite shocking." Tifa said. She could now understand why all the fan girls were after him so much.

"Yes, quite shocking how ugly you are." Reno said it like he just ate something nasty. He looked at Tifa and saw her almost drooling over him. "Must you take the stupid thing off? Your blinding me by your girly face!" Reno dramatically put his arms over his eyes to block him out.

"I don't want it to catch on fire again." Vincent looked at him with completely serious eyes.

Reno snorted, "You actually caught yourself on fire? Oh how I would've liked to have seen that! You must suck at cooking more than Tifa!" He began laughing.

"I was making Saganaki," he looked towards Tifa. She had a lost look in her eyes. "Flaming cheese..."

"Oh! I know what that is!" She beamed proudly.

"Ha! I've made that before." Reno boasted.

"I remember that! You made it at the bar. But, didn't you catch your hair on fire?" Tifa questioned.

"First, we're going to start off with grilled cheese!" Reno quickly changed the subject.

"That's too easy," Vincent argued.

"Cloud said when he asked her for one, he ended up with a black brick. And we all know Cloud isn't sarcastic." Reno replied.

"I'll get the cheese," Vincent hurried to the back room.

A few minutes later Tifa had bread, butter, and cheese in front of her. "So I butter the side of the bread that will be facing the pan."

"Yes," they both answered her. They kept a careful eye on her as she picked up the butter knife.

"Guys, you're making me nervous."

"What else are we supposed to look at yo?"

"I don't know, make one yourself." They both grunted, picked up their bread, and looked at each other.

"I'll finish first," Reno stated. Vincent just squinted his eyes at him and said, "You're on." Tifa got pushed out of the way as they quickly and sloppily buttered the bread. They reached for a pan and ran over to the stove. As Reno was putting his on, Vincent kicked his legs out from under him which caused his frying pan to fly up in the air and almost hit Tifa.

"Hey that's cheating!" Reno yelled as he threw Vincent's pan at the wall. They each began quickly picking up their scattered sandwich parts.

"Hey guys, I thought you were supposed to be teaching me...nevermind." Tifa realized it was useless to try to distract them from their race. She grabbed a chair from a nearby table at waited.

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><p>R&amp;R please and thanks! Don't know how good I'll be on the updates with this story, so please bear with me!<p> 


	2. Candy them Carrots!

Vincent walked into 7th Heaven and thought about immediately walking out. He saw Reno singing his own version of "Girls Girls Girls", and there was no way he was going to sit through that while he waited for Tifa.

Finally, Tifa came out showing Cloud her new shirt she bought. This left Cloud staring at her chest wondering how she managed to stuff it all in. "You like it?" She asked as she spun around. Reno stopped his singing and looked over at her.

"Hey there Tif- whoa could that shirt get any tighter?"

Tifa sighed, "Reno, my eyes are up here."

"Yeah Reno, look at her eyes, not what's mine." Cloud slapped him in the face lightly. Vincent just sighed as he pulled out the ingredients they would need for today.

"This time are you actually going to teach her something? I heard what you two did…more like saw what you did." Cloud glared at the two teachers. Last night when he felt it safe to come home he had walked right into a flustered Tifa and an abused looking kitchen. Because this was all his "brilliant" idea, he had been the one to clean the cheese from the ceiling, the broken miscellaneous utensils, and the burnt spots on the stove and wall from flying grilled cheese sandwiches. "I would prefer if you two not act like cats in heat and actually get something done."

"I take offense to that," Vincent snarled as Reno just looked around the spotless room, his mouth hanging open.

"Wow, you should have been a maid or something. If I pay you will you come and clean my house?" Cloud turned his glare strictly on Reno as he went over to Tifa, placed a kiss on her forehead, and left.

"What are we making today guys?" Tifa stood over by Vincent and looked at the food he had brought out. He had carrots, butter, brown sugar, and a measure cup he was filling with water.

"Today we are making something easier than grilled cheese, and hopefully less dangerous." Vincent said as he made sure he had enough water. "Reno, help her chop up these carrots," he handed him a few. "I'll do the others."

"Why do I have to help her?"

"Don't start with me." Vincent gave Tifa a knife and put her in between him and Reno. "Cut them into rounds then put them in that pan. After that put the water over them and let them cook until they're tender."

"Alrighty Miss Know-It-All," Reno said in a nasally and irritating voice.

"Reno," Vincent warned.

"Hey guys, let's not fight. How about I put on some music and-" but Tifa couldn't finish her sentence because a carrot round flew by her face and landed in Vincent's hair. Everything was so quiet that you could hear the round drop to the floor and roll under the cabinets. Vincent grabbed a handful of carrots and held them up.

"Vincent don't! You'll just be as annoying and Reno." Tifa tried to deter him. He took a deep breath and placed the handful in the pot. They continued chopping in silence until another carrot hit him on the temple.

"I don't believe it." Vincent muttered.

"Reno stop," he heard Tifa whisper.

"I can't help it, I just get these urges that I can't control," Reno snickered back. Vincent decided it was best to ignore the carrot and comment, and continue on like nothing happened.

They finally had all the carrots chopped up and cooking when they came to discover they had nothing to do. Reno and Vincent stood off to the side whispering about what to do next as they watched Tifa wash the dishes.

"Maybe we should teach her how to make a main dish?" Reno offered.

"Do you think she's ready for that?" Vincent responded.

"We can always start with canned soup. There's no way she could mess that up."

"Cloud said she either burns it, or boils it to the point that half of it is evaporated and the rest is all over the stove."

"Can you evaporate soup?" Reno questioned.

"With Tifa, anything's possible."

"So are we going to try this, yo?"

"I guess, go get the cans."

Reno went to the back room and picked out a can of chicken noodle soup while Vincent found a pot and the can opener. When Tifa finished the dishes she came over and they let her open the can and pour it into the pot.

"You guys are making me feel stupid," she said as they carefully watched her fill the can up with water.

"We just don't want watered down soup, that's all." Reno replied. She poured the water in the pot, put on a lid, and put it over a burner, cranking the flame up to high.

"Eh, not the best plan," Reno whispered in her ear. She raised an eyebrow in confusion. He reached around her and turned it down to a medium flame.

A little while later Vincent had her test the carrots. "We want them tender, not mushy."

"What is tender like?" She asked.

"Where you have to chew them, not where they just fall apart as soon as you poke them with a fork." Reno answered.

Vincent rolled his eyes and gave a better explanation, "You don't want them to be crunchy, but you want them to be firm."

"Well then, I think these are tender," Tifa gave both Reno and Vincent a carrot to try.

"Perfect," Reno smiled as he got a frying pan out. "Now put the butter in here and let it melt a little. Vincent, drain the carrots."

"Don't tell me what to do," he growled.

"Play along Vincent, or I might just hit you over the head with the frying pan." Reno replied with the same smile on his face.

"Boys!" Tifa reprimanded. "You're acting like children. Vincent, may you _please_ drain the carrots? I'll get the butter frying and Reno can measure out the teaspoon of water."

"Okay boss!" Reno pulled out a measuring spoon, Vincent drained the carrots, and Tifa put a tablespoon of butter in the warm frying pan. Reno and Vincent began to work as a team to make sure Tifa didn't burn the butter or herself. Reno measured out the brown sugar and Vincent helped her make the glaze. Once it was ready for the carrots, Vincent gave them to Tifa and Reno helped put them in so as not to splash themselves with the hot butter glaze.

"Just coat the carrots and let them reheat a little, and you've got yourself a nice Candied Carrot dish!" Reno beamed at Tifa.

"It smells so good!" She wafted the scent to her nose. Vincent got out a dish to put them in and they tasted them.

"Hey Vinny, we actually made a dish without killing each other or making a mess!" Reno laughed.

"Don't call me that." Vincent glared back.

"You know, this doesn't taste half bad. Cloud should like this, I hope." Tifa estimated. "He should be extra happy now that he doesn't have any mess to clean up."

"Don't forget about the carrot that rolled under the counter." Reno reminded them.

"You should really pick that up since you were the one to throw it at me." Vincent accused as he pulled his cape on. "I have to leave now; I guess I'm coming back tomorrow to teach you how to make spaghetti, though."

"Sounds like a deal," Tifa smile. Just then they heard an awful loud bursting sound that came from the stove. They all started at each other, and one at a time realization flashed across their faces.

"Hey Vinny, maybe I'll join you on your little adventure." Reno suggested.

"Me too, I haven't been out of this bar for so long." Tifa added.

Vincent nodded and they all followed, leaving behind a terribly soupy mess for Cloud.

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><p>I hate this story, so I'm ending it at two chapters. Not one of my best works, but don't flame it. I wrote this when I was (for some unknown reason) into crack fics. Just thought I would finish it up with one last chapter and hopefully regain my reputation! XD<p> 


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